Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to - John Ed Pearce

I'm so homesick. I lye in bed constantly thinking of new ways we might have been able to keep the house. Ways we could get it back. What ifs, what ifs, what ifs.
I lived in that house for twelve years! I've grown with that house. I've had all of my bestfriends and boyfriends sleep(shh) in there at one time. I've probably crashed into every single corner, and cried in every single room. I can remember exactly how everything looks, to the pieces of wallpaper missing and the history of our furniture. I became a part of the carpet and the paint, I was so deeply rooted in that house I'm sure you'd find flakes of my soul carved into the drywall.
Whenever I think about my home it feels like my heart is actually aching, my core starts to burn and i feel like i'm chocking. I miss the sound of waking up and taking the few small weary steps to my bathroom in the morning- I would smell brewing coffee, hear the far-away radio, and my parents chatting in their pajamas in my living room. That early-day experience always made me feel so comfortable and happy.
It's not only my house, it's where Bailey grew up too. He loved all the space he had to free range in our beautiful, rare backyard. In the winter he would run laps around the pool and bite at the snow. My parents loved our house too, and I can't imagine how hard it is for them to be where we are now- they especially loved our backyard too; their haven. It's impossible to read my brother but he must miss our home, we used to spend hours playing with legos in his room and i can still hear the sound of him raking through legos to find a particular one. We were a family in that house. I feel like now we're living in a hotel, and i'm hopeful we can go home soon.
I could list off thousands of things I miss, and thousands of things I remember perfectly about the house. It does me no good, i'm never going to get to go back and being as happy and comfortable as we were. No matter how much I dream about it ( at least once a week), or the many things I would give up just go home- i can't seem to let myself realize that I'm never going back! All i can do is lay in bed and walk through the house in my head, fighting back tears and sniffles so Josh doesn't here me and I don't feel more silly.

'Cuz nobody owns anything and everyone is free -Jack Johnson

I made a pledge this summer that I was only going to give and receive handmade gifts from now on ( because i am disgusted, as im sure many of you are, at how Christmas has become a consumer crazy holiday and depresses me). Anywhooo, my two best friends birthday are only days apart and I went to Michaels and picked up some supplies and made these two things for them!


I just bought a regular wooden mirror and paper mached some neat-design paper on it. Then i traced the mirror onto black construction paper and free-hand stenciled some leaf/flora/nature patterns. Then i glued the stencil ontop and used electrical tape to cover up any poking paper or wood!



Carpe Diem insperational cork board. I used the same patterned paper and glued it on the cork. Then i drew little pictures that remind me of my friend. I chose the phrase Carpe Diem and the two quotes on there:
Serious trouble beats serious boredom - dangerous lives of the alter boys
Let us so live that when we come to die even the under taker will be sorry - Mark Twain
Because my friend is in University right now and i feel like she's always so busy with school and work, and this is just a reminder to do something memorable and fantastic each day.
I went to my local Home Hardware and picked up some carpenter tacks ( theyre longer and stonger) with a cool design.
( oh and i know the paper is uneven, i added ribbon to the boarder afterwards)

Marriage: A word which should be pronounced "mirage." -Herbert Spencer

" Doesn't playing with Tristan make you want to have kids?" Normally you would expect this conversation to be initiated by a female. But no, Josh asked me this as we were driving around town in the frantic-windshield-wiper rain.

See, I'm not one of those young women planning and stressing over my future wedding, not down to the final detail, or even where i want to have it. I really don't care. I don't fantasize about kids and who they'll look like, and what they'll aspire to be. Or what kind of family dog we'll have...actually, that's half true- my future definitely includes a dog ( or few ). Although I am tired of the general world saying things like ' when you have kids, and when you get married'...it's like my life is this pre-planned event, and this perfect family-of-four life has been shoved down my throat since i can remember;
Some girls, and boys, played house with their dolls and stuffed animals as their well behaved and always beautiful children. I'll admit I did that on occasion, but my favorite make-believe game as a child was ; bitchy business women going to work,cooking, and hanging out with my cool friends. I even remember slamming the 'coffee maker' in my play kitchen and YELLING at my 'employee' on the 'phone,' hanging up and 'driving' ( my car was a minny mouse chair) downtown. I was seven years old and on Sex and the City.I got bored with the family, happy mommy scene quickly as a kid. Oh and then there's the amazing invention of legos, but that's a whole nother story.

Today, if you haven't caught on, I think marriage is a joke. I think a lot of the time the woman wants to get married so she can have a selfish 'look at me' day where everyone showers her in meaningless congratulations and expensive gifts, and the husband does it so he can continue to have sex on a regular basis, so he thinks. Marriage is an outdated tradition, that clearly isn't working if you take a look at stats. I mean, what's the freaking point?
I'm not going to be completely bitter, because sometimes marriages are real and you can tell at the wedding that the couple does mean the vows they're repeating ( repetition, so romantic <3). style="font-style: italic;">I'll never get married, but right now it's not for me.

But back to Josh. My respond obviously was a cynical rant about how horrible marriages can be and kids aren't for everyone, much like this blog entry. But after a few seconds I told him something I wasn't sure I wanted to say to him because it is so cheesy and it was so honest, i said " But besides all that, when i see you play with Tristan, and how utterly amazing and natural you are, you force me to question that decision."

and then I changed the subject

One kind word can warm three winter months. Japanese Proverb

Thursday was a bit of a disaster.

If you could tell from the previous post me and my mother got in a fight. There are many things i let her get away with, but to call me selfish just set off fireworks inside me, that burned their way up my throat, and shot at her. I keep so much inside of me that when i get a chance to tell her how i really feel I choke and can't remember why I think she's such a terrible mother. She had no counterpoints, like usual.
Because of this very unusual conversation of truth, obviously catching me off guard, I was late meeting Diana at the mall. There was no way I was going to ask for a ride, so I walked. Slushy rain started to pour on my unprepared self as I cursed and kicked the bated flurries. When we paired and reached the coffee shop I reached in my backpack for the 20 bucks, I half-regretted grabbing in the first place, to surface with only lint and an expression of 'for fuck sakes'.

(old picture from when my hair was long, and red )

My luck turned after spending the time with D, warm chats and racy topics. I really miss our lunch-time picnics, and our party of three. We bought her this flow-y, contrast dress for her trip to Columbia in a few weeks, i'm excited for her.
She dropped me at Josh's, to be trampled by the puppy, picked up by his dad, and dropped at the train station. There's something so safe about the train, perhaps its the constant melodic rocking, or maybe it is the dependence of knowing you don't have to pay attention to the traffic. I just know I like the train, it makes me feel adventurous even if it's only for a few minutes. choo, choo!

My mother called ME selfish today, lolzerz

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans - john lennon

You hear about people being too busy to eat and slowly hurting themselves, when i heard that i always thought how can you not notice the hunger burning at your core?
I took a shift at work yesterday afternoon because i thought it was going to be pretty slow. I started at 4. Expected to be out at 9. Ha, ha. I was not reminded that it was college night and around 8 it was going to start getting very congested. I did not leave until 12:00.
It was when i was cashing out my money that I realized I had not eaten for 10 hours, my only meal of the day consisting of a slice of toast and an apple.
I felt gross and embarrassed, probably because I still was not hungry. It's the strangest feeling, usually i must eat every 3 hours or else my stomach starts speaking to me.
I grabbed a slice of pizza ( which i'm sure was 1/4 of a large pizza) and settled my fear of turning into 'that girl', and my soon to be screaming stomach.

serious trouble beats serious boredom - Tim in Dangerous Lives of the Alter Boys

This is the most depressing post ever, why? Because I don't do anything! In reality, I just don't do anything productive during the day and that's when i'm made to feel the worst because the majority of the human race is out doing shit.
Instead of doing the expected, i'm at home in Josh's fatty pajamas dreading any productive activities by watching movies and re-runs of Sex and the City ( she says while watching Knocked Up...again ). Although last week I forced myself to pick up the vomit of clothes from my floor and even vacuumed for the first time in literally months.
I felt a burst of creativity and I dug through my sewing craft bin for my watercolour paints and paper resulting in a peacock, i'm very happy with it...and giving it to Rachel, for her birthday, will be quite tough. Later in the week I painted over a gift Sio gave me a few years ago, i'm reduceREUSErecycling, with a Geisha girl. It's mediocre. But the Keith's helped me to go on. Alcohol brings out the ocassional artist.


So if you haven't guessed it, we dont have a lot of money. The whole money/food situation pisses me off beyond fucking belief. It will get so bad that for a couple days we don't have the basics; milk, bread, eggs, sugar. Yesterday my brother had crackers and peanut butter for breakfast, and it wasn't just for effect, nuh uh. And then, INSTEAD of going shopping my parents will either
a) go to the corner store and just get chips, dip, and diet pepsi
b) order take-out
c) go to the grocery store and buy minimal, basic things that will only last a couple days
d) actually go to the grocery store like normal people.

Scenario's a) and c) occur frequently, and b) and d) happen i would say once every two weeks each. But noo, no one listens when i say ' hey, you could cut out a)b) and c) if you just do d) instead and you'd probably spend the same amount of money!'
I came in the door today, after sitting at Josh's Dads trying my best not to show any telltale hunger signs in fear of...i don't even know what. Anyways, I came in the door hoping, and praying there were crumbs of an animal-free dish, that i told myself i'd eat regardless.
...
I almost hurled when I saw it was a god-damned pasta with tomatoes and fake-powder-cheese. I mean, I love love L O V E pasta. but there is nothing worse than macaroni with a can of diced tomatoes and all that placenta-ey tomato remains floating around ( gag ). So I made cracked-black pepper linguine with basil tomato sauce ( sauce not chunks )

It's almost one in the morning. I'm typing as quietly as possible so I don't wake up Josh, who's sleeping beside me and clicking his jaw in this strange infant-like way. Waiting for Sio to come on, because it's her prime-msn time...
instead, i'm going to dissolve under these covers and wish that that whatever knocked him out, visits me next.

I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird and not enough the bad luck of the early worm. - Franklin D. Roosevelt

Josh has such terrible luck, he's an example of Murphy's Law- i swear. Things go wrong for him and you want to laugh at the ironic situation, but in the same moment it's so horrible and crushing.
This Tuesday Josh had his car stolen after it being parked for less than 20 minutes. He had been having problems with this 10-year-old girl in the past few months; little things. Last week he drove the white intrepid to Sue's, when he tried to start it up minutes later to go to work it was dead, later finding out the fuel pump was shot and he had to spend 800$ for a new one.
Josh comes to my house Tuesday afternoon, immediantly after getting his car out of the shop. Parks, and comes in my room. About an hour later he goes to grab me something from he passenger side. He comes in looking so defeated, like someone just popped his trophy balloon.

The car wasn't found until the next day, ditched in a busy downtown parking lot. Back left wheel fucked, and 'something smashed in'. We had a lot of shit in there too, camping stuff ( but i doubt the joy-riders are the wilderness types, just a guess).

"We all die." She says, "The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will." Diary, Chuck Palahniuk Novel.

I never really get into the halloween spirit until a few days before, it's always been like that. Halloween morning Josh and I dug holes in our pockets looking for change so we could go out and buy gory make-up and spooky nick knacks. Josh was a vampire, and i think i did his face quite well with the cheap thrift store face paint. I was a haggard jail escapee. We barely had any kids, except a cute bunch near the beginning.
And it was freezing outside.
Sio joined us later in her ' scene kid' costume, even though i told her the kids wouldn't understand. I guess it was an lolzerz inside jokez.

I worked all weekend, and my nipples were so hard the entire time; it's fucking freezing in there! But once you're dashing around, mad, confused, (and even lost some of time ) you forget about the fact that people might mistake the constant goosebumps on your arms for the slight chance you're a reptile. I got a customer early in the night who asked me ' are you a newfie?!' ( in the biggest asshole tone you can imagine ) just because i was taking long with change and he confused the hell out of me minutes before and now was blaming his stupidity on me. When i walked away he murmured to his sun-dyed wife( who looked 60 but was probably 40) ' i mean for god sakes!' I was livid, but i couldn't do anything... not even passively.

Spent a few hours before my shift on Sunday at Josh's Dads house for dinner, which very tasty. Highlight; Portabella mushrooms and Alexandre Keiths beer. Although while i was trying to savour the only meal i would have in the next 1.2.3...6 hours, I was disgusted by the fact that Josh's Stepsister was sitting, amongst all of the delicious AND moderately healthy food... eating a yogurt with Melba Toast............................................................. again, YOGURT AND MELBA TOAST. People do the dumbest things to loose weight, and they don't bother to research anything before hand except for ' miracle diets'.

Since my sleeping schedules is a bit rattled, Breakfast=Lunch, Lunch=Lupper ( inbetween lunch and supper ), and dinner is at like 7-8. This was what I made for Lupper today, since Josh plunged into the junk of his car and surfaced with my cam charger I can take pictures!


Garden Asian Salad; Jalepeno Havarti on Apple Slices; Lemon Parmesan Basil Pasta. Less than 15 min to make.

My graduation papers and junk came home today. I am an Ontario Scholar ( meaning had an average above 80%) and got a certificate with that. Also, I won the Society, Challenge and Change award...which i'm very happy about! Oh, and of course i get the cooool grad hat.