Sunday, March 2, 2008

I'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried underneath, where i am - postal service

I'm in australia. and its amazing. and im so happy. i've made so many friends and i only miss a few things back home. The two things i cant live without are bailey and josh. But everytime i think about going home, for uni, for anything i push it out my head.
And a major reason i dont want to go home is because my family is so fucked up right now. You might think i would want to be home to be there for them. I only care about comforting my father really, who makes me feel so bad for having a part on his lonliness right now. My dad who has never shown emotion, never told me about his feelings, never really communicated the deeper issues is telling me everything. He's telling me how he's having anxiety attacks, missing meals, and feeling overwhelming depressed. And i'm halfway across the world, and i know that im one of his best friends.
My mom broke up with my dad again. I really thought it was another redundant cry for attention. It's fucking different this time, and really really bad.
I'm literally torn apart right now. Fuck.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

when she walks, the revolutions coming. In her hips, there's revolution. - rebel girl, bikini kill

My last shift at mollys was last night. And I was sort of excited because i was to be working with my two favorite people, almost three favorite - but standing in the way was the fact it was the dreaded College Night. Obnoxious, cocky, ' look at me i'm in a bar' twits. Not to mention, horrible tippers. I saw the guy, who last week thought we obviously had mistaken me for a stripper and tried to put a 5 dollar bill down my cleavage, and avoided him last night. I mean a 5 dollar bill, I might have let it slip for a gold hundred, but a five..phft.

Anyway. I get this table of three, mid twenties guys. I'm wearing my appropriate length kilt, and i slightly bend to reach to give a guy a drink. I feel a tap on my butt , probably just someone bumping into me, then i feel another tap and a...rub?! I stop, erect and turn to my left to see this ass grinning at me. And then i snap and get this pissed don't-mess-with-me look and say ' What the fuck do you think you're doing?! You do NOT fucking touch me, or anyone like that. If you do that again, you're out. I'm dead serious.'
I storm off and tell my favorite server/waitress, who doesn't take shit and is really protective of me. She freaks out and tells our Body Gaurd what happened and then i see him storm over there, grab him by the collar and throw his drink on the ground.
I fiercly stand behind BG with my hands on my hips ready to punch this guy, because it's finally set in what he did to me. How violated I feel, and i say
him- what?'
you're out of here, but you owe me for that drink
i didnt even drink it?!
yeah well you should of thought about that before you slapped my ass. Give me 4.50
Well I didnt know, im sorry ( HE DIDNT KNOW. THIS GUY ' DIDNT KNOW')
are you fucking kidding me?! You didn't know. Does it look like I have a god damned sign on my fore head saying inappropriately touch me. NO. NOW YOU GIVE ME 4.50 AND GET THE FUCK OUT!' ( i was shoutting so hard my voice was course, my face was red, and i was biting my lips because they were quivvering)

His friends paid. and I walked off not feeling gross, or violated but feeling so impowered and amazing of how i stood up for myself, and i made him feel like the pervert he is. I smiled and strut for the rest of the night.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Plans are pointless. Staying alive is as good as it gets. - Selena, 28 days later

I have one nightmare that has haunted my entire life, and trust me - i remember dreams as young as 4. I have smaller dreams that scare me; claustrophobic bathroom stalls, being barefeet, and the typical being chased and no matter where you hide, how fast you run, you're always caught.
But my number one nightmare, theme is apocalypse/Armageddon dreams. My first one ever, was based off of Gone With The Wind, because of a war we were invaded- houses in flames, riots in the street, family missing. And I know, it isn't the end of the world, but it is the end of my world.

Now, atleast once a week, I have dreams about plagues, zombies or aliens coming to earth and destroying 99% of the population. Alien dreams are the least common, I never see the creature just know they are there and i've got to get the fuck away; hide, hide, hide. My zombie dreams only take place before I actually see the zombies.
My plague dreams are the most common, usually once a week I either trying to get out of the city and into the country before it spreads, OR I am one of the 1% of humans that survived the virus and am just trying to get by. These dreams are very vivid, very realistic, and very scary. I blame it on the fact that I really enjoy movies and novels about plagues/zombies. Ex: Resident Evil, 28 Days Later, I Am Legend are my favorites. But my dreams started to get really fucking vivid after reading The Stand, by Stephen King, asshole.

I also have a confession, I would absolutely love to live in NYC, but part of the thing that is holding me back is... where do all the good disaster/plague/monster/chaos movies take place in? NYC, Manhattan Why? It's pretty much an Island, with very shitty entrance and exits. There are 1,500,000 people squeezed into this space and imagine them all trying to escape at once. Picture yourself amongst the thousands of people running through the darkness of the mile long Lincoln Tunnel with crazies doing anything possible to get themselves out first. What if you were halfway through the tunnel and THAT is when the plague spread?! ( when i was in NYC this year, going through this tunnel, this is all i could think about ) Or, when you finally got to the end of the tunnel, the government had created a barricade to quarantine you?
Fuck New York.

I had a few nightmares last night, due to seeing Cloverfield. I liked it, a lot actually. It was intense. But, I get motion sick very easily, and I was dizzy and sick almost the entire movie and had to close my eyes at parts. But it finalized my decision to never live in Manhattan.
Josh found the dharma initiative, pearl station, logo at the very beginning of the movie. And the twist at the end. He's a nerd, and I'm a bit jealous.
But seriously, the movie was half it's greatness because it was in NYC. The monster was very wise when choosing it's location.

I hope they don't make a sequel, and if they do, it better not be like Godzilla sequels.

The future was a thing that gleamed, the present was so very very good... Dan ( heath ledger) in Candy

Day three of antibiotics and i'm still coughing up, and choking on green phlegm. True, it is a lot less worse than a week ago, but it's still annoying that this resperatory infection (?) is still hanging around, and it's been almost a week and a half.

I know, i know, there is nothing more boring than an 'i'm so sick, listen to my symptoms so i can prove to you how bad you should feel for me' entry. But I want this shit gone, especially before Monday when I'm going to freak out and panick and realize i have tons of stuff to do before i ago, and i still have to ask Siobhan to borrow stuff...SURPRISE.

When I'm in Australia I'm going to have a Blog where i'm going to post as many pictures and stories and maybe little poems. I figure this will be easier than sending the same thing through e-mail, in different versions, many times. I'll post the link right before I go.

I have about 5 days left of work, and it feels really nice. I have to get referance letters from my employers, and when i asked Frank he told me to write one up and then he would just sign it. I don't know what one looks like, or should sound like so if anyone ( a n y o n e ) who reads this has any idea, please leave me a comment so i can e-mail you.

I'm still trying to figure out what the hell i'm going to do for - PAUSE LOST COMMERCIAL ON TV! ' if you want to live, you need to come with me ' Locke. One week. So excited - the endless plane ride and stop overs.

Friday, January 18, 2008

A woman without love wilts like a flower without sun - Le Fabuleux destin d'Amelie


Even with the blinds,
the curtains,
and the bangs over my eyes,
the sun persists to wake me.
It spills over my bed, and
creeps past my exposed thigh.
You’re in a coma supported by drool,
fuck that’s my pillow.
my body forces into your duvet cocoon,
and even asleep you accept me
and give me warmth.

No clock in sight
it doesn’t matter where the arms are
or when we’ll hatch.
If ever.
The world is awake; busy and bored,
but we’re drunk off of sleep and
who’d want to trade?
Coffee is waiting impatiently,
if we choose to answer.
Another covenant of our mornings.
Or we can stay huddled in this pod,
sluggish and blissful, until the pot gets cold.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

desperation, but its your only way out - david mcwane

I want to read this outloud, infront of anyone- it makes me feel lovely.
with a bottle of wine, no glasses
barefeet rubbing together


Monday, January 14, 2008

Cooking is like making love, you do it well, or you do not do it at all - harriet van horne

I absolutely cannot fathom how people actually eat mcdonalds fries, but crave them. Do they think ' mmm. I could go for a greasy, artificial flavoured stick of limp oatmeal, rice, paper ( what's in it?!?!) that will cause me to have chest pains.'
I thought for the longest time people just ate them because they came with the meal, and they were a filler.
I am so passionate against my hatred for mcdonalds fries that it is worth a blog entry.

First off, Mcdonalds screws you over in your quantity. The size of the fries is something so unnatural they must be made out of playdough and put through one of those childrens 'fry makers'. And they put it in a box to confuse you, it's an optical illusion. You get an extra large, and hey it looks like there are a lot - 2D, you turn it side ways and they disappear.
The best way i can describe the taste of the fries is soggy and stale cardboard.When you bite into them it's like a hollow tube and it just collapses because it can't hold the weight of all the grease and salt; i mean was it freaking shake-and-baked in salt!?
And besides all that, you can drop a McDonalds fry in your car and find it 6 months later- looking the same, and i'm damn well sure if you popped that baby in the microwave it would taste the same. I know you know what i'm talking about.

I'm not trying to rag on fast food, or sound inferior to anyone that likes to eat junk. I mean who doesn't once and a while. But to risk your health for that piece of fucking shit, i don't get it.

I don't think people actually like the taste of them, they must have been conditioned and brainwashed into believing that this is what potatoes taste like. Because if you've ever eaten real fries, you'd know mcdonalds fries are like the devil's Eucharist.