I'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried underneath, where i am - postal service

I'm in australia. and its amazing. and im so happy. i've made so many friends and i only miss a few things back home. The two things i cant live without are bailey and josh. But everytime i think about going home, for uni, for anything i push it out my head.
And a major reason i dont want to go home is because my family is so fucked up right now. You might think i would want to be home to be there for them. I only care about comforting my father really, who makes me feel so bad for having a part on his lonliness right now. My dad who has never shown emotion, never told me about his feelings, never really communicated the deeper issues is telling me everything. He's telling me how he's having anxiety attacks, missing meals, and feeling overwhelming depressed. And i'm halfway across the world, and i know that im one of his best friends.
My mom broke up with my dad again. I really thought it was another redundant cry for attention. It's fucking different this time, and really really bad.
I'm literally torn apart right now. Fuck.

when she walks, the revolutions coming. In her hips, there's revolution. - rebel girl, bikini kill

My last shift at mollys was last night. And I was sort of excited because i was to be working with my two favorite people, almost three favorite - but standing in the way was the fact it was the dreaded College Night. Obnoxious, cocky, ' look at me i'm in a bar' twits. Not to mention, horrible tippers. I saw the guy, who last week thought we obviously had mistaken me for a stripper and tried to put a 5 dollar bill down my cleavage, and avoided him last night. I mean a 5 dollar bill, I might have let it slip for a gold hundred, but a five..phft.

Anyway. I get this table of three, mid twenties guys. I'm wearing my appropriate length kilt, and i slightly bend to reach to give a guy a drink. I feel a tap on my butt , probably just someone bumping into me, then i feel another tap and a...rub?! I stop, erect and turn to my left to see this ass grinning at me. And then i snap and get this pissed don't-mess-with-me look and say ' What the fuck do you think you're doing?! You do NOT fucking touch me, or anyone like that. If you do that again, you're out. I'm dead serious.'
I storm off and tell my favorite server/waitress, who doesn't take shit and is really protective of me. She freaks out and tells our Body Gaurd what happened and then i see him storm over there, grab him by the collar and throw his drink on the ground.
I fiercly stand behind BG with my hands on my hips ready to punch this guy, because it's finally set in what he did to me. How violated I feel, and i say
'4.50'
him- what?'
you're out of here, but you owe me for that drink
i didnt even drink it?!
yeah well you should of thought about that before you slapped my ass. Give me 4.50
Well I didnt know, im sorry ( HE DIDNT KNOW. THIS GUY ' DIDNT KNOW')
are you fucking kidding me?! You didn't know. Does it look like I have a god damned sign on my fore head saying inappropriately touch me. NO. NOW YOU GIVE ME 4.50 AND GET THE FUCK OUT!' ( i was shoutting so hard my voice was course, my face was red, and i was biting my lips because they were quivvering)

His friends paid. and I walked off not feeling gross, or violated but feeling so impowered and amazing of how i stood up for myself, and i made him feel like the pervert he is. I smiled and strut for the rest of the night.

Plans are pointless. Staying alive is as good as it gets. - Selena, 28 days later

I have one nightmare that has haunted my entire life, and trust me - i remember dreams as young as 4. I have smaller dreams that scare me; claustrophobic bathroom stalls, being barefeet, and the typical being chased and no matter where you hide, how fast you run, you're always caught.
But my number one nightmare, theme is apocalypse/Armageddon dreams. My first one ever, was based off of Gone With The Wind, because of a war we were invaded- houses in flames, riots in the street, family missing. And I know, it isn't the end of the world, but it is the end of my world.

Now, atleast once a week, I have dreams about plagues, zombies or aliens coming to earth and destroying 99% of the population. Alien dreams are the least common, I never see the creature just know they are there and i've got to get the fuck away; hide, hide, hide. My zombie dreams only take place before I actually see the zombies.
My plague dreams are the most common, usually once a week I either trying to get out of the city and into the country before it spreads, OR I am one of the 1% of humans that survived the virus and am just trying to get by. These dreams are very vivid, very realistic, and very scary. I blame it on the fact that I really enjoy movies and novels about plagues/zombies. Ex: Resident Evil, 28 Days Later, I Am Legend are my favorites. But my dreams started to get really fucking vivid after reading The Stand, by Stephen King, asshole.

I also have a confession, I would absolutely love to live in NYC, but part of the thing that is holding me back is... where do all the good disaster/plague/monster/chaos movies take place in? NYC, Manhattan Why? It's pretty much an Island, with very shitty entrance and exits. There are 1,500,000 people squeezed into this space and imagine them all trying to escape at once. Picture yourself amongst the thousands of people running through the darkness of the mile long Lincoln Tunnel with crazies doing anything possible to get themselves out first. What if you were halfway through the tunnel and THAT is when the plague spread?! ( when i was in NYC this year, going through this tunnel, this is all i could think about ) Or, when you finally got to the end of the tunnel, the government had created a barricade to quarantine you?
Fuck New York.

I had a few nightmares last night, due to seeing Cloverfield. I liked it, a lot actually. It was intense. But, I get motion sick very easily, and I was dizzy and sick almost the entire movie and had to close my eyes at parts. But it finalized my decision to never live in Manhattan.
Josh found the dharma initiative, pearl station, logo at the very beginning of the movie. And the twist at the end. He's a nerd, and I'm a bit jealous.
But seriously, the movie was half it's greatness because it was in NYC. The monster was very wise when choosing it's location.

I hope they don't make a sequel, and if they do, it better not be like Godzilla sequels.

The future was a thing that gleamed, the present was so very very good... Dan ( heath ledger) in Candy

Day three of antibiotics and i'm still coughing up, and choking on green phlegm. True, it is a lot less worse than a week ago, but it's still annoying that this resperatory infection (?) is still hanging around, and it's been almost a week and a half.

I know, i know, there is nothing more boring than an 'i'm so sick, listen to my symptoms so i can prove to you how bad you should feel for me' entry. But I want this shit gone, especially before Monday when I'm going to freak out and panick and realize i have tons of stuff to do before i ago, and i still have to ask Siobhan to borrow stuff...SURPRISE.

When I'm in Australia I'm going to have a Blog where i'm going to post as many pictures and stories and maybe little poems. I figure this will be easier than sending the same thing through e-mail, in different versions, many times. I'll post the link right before I go.

I have about 5 days left of work, and it feels really nice. I have to get referance letters from my employers, and when i asked Frank he told me to write one up and then he would just sign it. I don't know what one looks like, or should sound like so if anyone ( a n y o n e ) who reads this has any idea, please leave me a comment so i can e-mail you.

I'm still trying to figure out what the hell i'm going to do for - PAUSE LOST COMMERCIAL ON TV! ' if you want to live, you need to come with me ' Locke. One week. So excited - the endless plane ride and stop overs.

A woman without love wilts like a flower without sun - Le Fabuleux destin d'Amelie

Chrysalis

Even with the blinds,
the curtains,
and the bangs over my eyes,
the sun persists to wake me.
It spills over my bed, and
creeps past my exposed thigh.
You’re in a coma supported by drool,
fuck that’s my pillow.
my body forces into your duvet cocoon,
and even asleep you accept me
and give me warmth.

No clock in sight
it doesn’t matter where the arms are
or when we’ll hatch.
If ever.
The world is awake; busy and bored,
but we’re drunk off of sleep and
who’d want to trade?

Coffee is waiting impatiently,
if we choose to answer.
Another covenant of our mornings.
Or we can stay huddled in this pod,
sluggish and blissful, until the pot gets cold.

desperation, but its your only way out - david mcwane

I want to read this outloud, infront of anyone- it makes me feel lovely.
with a bottle of wine, no glasses
barefeet rubbing together

Dave

Cooking is like making love, you do it well, or you do not do it at all - harriet van horne

I absolutely cannot fathom how people actually eat mcdonalds fries, but crave them. Do they think ' mmm. I could go for a greasy, artificial flavoured stick of limp oatmeal, rice, paper ( what's in it?!?!) that will cause me to have chest pains.'
I thought for the longest time people just ate them because they came with the meal, and they were a filler.
I am so passionate against my hatred for mcdonalds fries that it is worth a blog entry.

First off, Mcdonalds screws you over in your quantity. The size of the fries is something so unnatural they must be made out of playdough and put through one of those childrens 'fry makers'. And they put it in a box to confuse you, it's an optical illusion. You get an extra large, and hey it looks like there are a lot - 2D, you turn it side ways and they disappear.
The best way i can describe the taste of the fries is soggy and stale cardboard.When you bite into them it's like a hollow tube and it just collapses because it can't hold the weight of all the grease and salt; i mean was it freaking shake-and-baked in salt!?
And besides all that, you can drop a McDonalds fry in your car and find it 6 months later- looking the same, and i'm damn well sure if you popped that baby in the microwave it would taste the same. I know you know what i'm talking about.

I'm not trying to rag on fast food, or sound inferior to anyone that likes to eat junk. I mean who doesn't once and a while. But to risk your health for that piece of fucking shit, i don't get it.

I don't think people actually like the taste of them, they must have been conditioned and brainwashed into believing that this is what potatoes taste like. Because if you've ever eaten real fries, you'd know mcdonalds fries are like the devil's Eucharist.
ew

and i'm hear to remind you of the mess you made when you went away - alanis morissette

I've been working my little ass off, to pay off my laptop, and to save for aus.
I kept putting off, and off, my resignation? Finally I left a note under my boss's door to tell him I was leaving. I came in for my shift 30 minutes early to chat. I had two outcomes in my head, and the reality was neither of them. He was shocked, pushed to the back of his chair with his mouth open ' wow!... wow, really? wooowww'. I explained my reasoning for going to Australia, by myself, at age 18, and he seemed to be really happy. He said ' i'm glad you're going there and getting that great experience, but sad you'll be leaving here,' and i think that was the best thing he could have said.
Word, and gossip, gets around like lighting at work and everyone was coming in for their shifts shouting and asking questions, almost everyone's second question was ' what about your boyfriend?' and then followed by an 'awww'. haha.
I started work at 4pm, expected to be out at 9 or 10 at the latest. Well, I had forget it was the dreaded college night ( fuuuck ). I was at work until 1 am, freaking ridiculous. I was so angry at one point, it was like i blacked out. Like people became slurring, blurring streaks and the only thing clear were empty dishes; trying to seem busy. The tips were insanely cheap, and I thought at one point i was going to snap and just come down on these obnoxious, slutty college kids ( yes i'm aware im young too )

I have three days off in a row. It was wednesday afternoon and i had two choices: a) stay home and watch lost until friday, no money ooooorrr b) go to toronto with Josh to stay with Adam for a night, have fun, spend a little money. I kept putting off the decision, and then last minute we decided plan b would be the best.
The drive there was fantastic, it was like a beautiful dream. As you creep down the 401, the part beside the airport, the distance is like an incredible lightshow. I slowly descended into a coma. Matt Good came on the radio, and i felt, i really became an acoustic guitar, by body felt hollow- i could feel the vibrations off of the strings. I wrote lines in my head because it's all I could do to keep myself from floating away. Fireflies thread on fishing line, hung from the velvet ceiling like garland. Soaring across the pavement like we were being pulled, like we couldnt help it. Like the stars were so close, you could feel their radiance. Then we were out of the universe, and back on the cold lonely highway with the rest of the world.

Adams house was in a maze of typical, but full-of-character houses. It reminded me of a secret garden. He gave us a quick tour and it was surprisingly big for Toronto, and for the price of rent. And something i could definitely get used to; wine in almost every room. Free, delicious wine, for that matter. We popped some in adams bag, and hit the pavement for the subway ( which i have a small fear of by the way ). Don't worry, we made it out alive with a little whiplash. I had my hand in my pocket, and on my wallet holding my measley 80 dollars, very tight - i'm so paranoid. Like adam said ' you couldn't last a day in Toronto'.
Slashing some corners, and down dim streets we did a little shopping at the LCBO. While in there, I looked around and saw artsy, indie typed people all around and thought it was strange. Got outside and realized it's because they're all part of ProjectProject, just like Adam, and just like where we were heading. PP is on Wednesdays night, and a group of actors or whoever, go up and do real, hilarious improv on stage. Adam had been hyping it up for me for quite a while and i was really excited to experience this improv community he has been adopted into.
Immediately when we walked in, i was thrust into something alien to me ; rolling a dice to determine the price you pay. I loved it, i thought it adorable. It was double the size i imagined, full of life and more people than I expected also. It seemed like everyone was smiling, with either wine or beer in hand. The group was very friendly, and every one adam introduced us to took the time to say hey and exchange names.
Cats hoarded the mash of chairs and couches, and only opened one eye if you tried say 'go'. It was amazing how comfortable and at ease i was so quickly.
We had a beer, purchased conveniently at the LCBO, before the set and got settled in our seats with conversation and jokes.
I really didn't know what it was going to be like. I'm used to 'improv' on Whos Line Is It Anyway? ( which is apparently crap compared to real shit) and warm-ups in class.
The start of the first skit was slow, with little chuckles and 'aw's. Then they started another one and gradually the laughs grew louder and in sync. We cracked open the wine and took turns drinking, a rhythmic motion of swigs and passes. I haven't been seens something so enjoyable and funny in a while. During break I got up to go to the bathroom and it hit me how drunk I actually was. We hadnt eaten all day, and had just drank a bottle of wine between me and Josh, Adam had half a bottle in minutes ( it seemed ).
The break was over and we got snuggled back in our spots, ready to laugh again. Now, instead of being smart and stop drinking, i just kept the motion going; pass, pass, swig. I knew what i was doing would come back to bite me in the ass, but it was so good. Near the end of the set, it hit me. That moment you know you're fucked, when you're spinning. I was fighting it so hard, i was so confident I could get over this with willpower.And I did. I focused, I bit my lip, and i tried my best to hear what they were saying on stage.
Then the set ended, and I knew i had to get outside. I stood outside willing myself not to get sick and embaress myself as the girl who couldnt hold her booze. I cursed myself because i knew i should have eaten something and not dranken so much.
I managed to will myself to health and some-what soberness. We popped back in the venue to say goodbye to the few stragglers still there. We talked to this guy louis who was hilarious, he was pretty drunk and really funny. I don't remember all of it, but assuming Two Liner was having their last show because a band member had died. Raving about Adam's set, and my firm handshake ( i aint messing around). We chatted a bit more with otherpeople, and then went in search of food.
Josh swore he saw a Mr.Sub, but i wasn't fully trusting him in his also drunken state. It was there, and when we got inside, of course, a cop was there. I remember giving a 'hey hows it goin' grin and nod and taking my order while trying my best to sound sober. Food was amazing, i don't really remember eating it, just how amazing it made me feel afterwards.
Cabbed to this bar/grill called Hurricanes for a few beers and some karaoke. I met Alana, the girl adam has been seeing off and on. She was really charismatic and neater than i expected ( no offense adam), maybe half of it is because she was wearing a dress I almost purchased. Her and another girl sang You Oughta Know, and it was knee-slapping hilarious. We finished our beers around last call, and caught another taxi.
Got to adams house and crashed on the couch with scrubs, a great touch to a great night.
I woke up, early, to adam cooking some sort of mystery/bargain meat, head pounding, and not in the mood for..anything. I tried to eat some toast and decided it best to go back to bed.
Dragged my ass to adams bed and was in a coma for 3 hours. When i woke up, i felt good as new.

Come with me, my love... to the sea, the sea of love. -Phil Phillips(originally)

I have this dream,
After I have my masters, have a stable job, and have saved some money. I want to open a cafe.
Perched on a blue lake, or eternal ocean. The back of the cafe would have floor to ceiling windows, and if a lighthouse was in sight that would be perfect. A ledge would be infront of the window, covered in interesting magazines ( not that make-me-want-to-diet, look-better-for-my-man, ways-to-make-him-scream bullshit magazines), and some stools.
None of the dishes would match. Eclectic and interesting.
A short, but very nummy dishes from all different areas, but all vegetarian. An amazing Chai Tea.
Book shelves would line the wall, full of sea-treasures and coffee-table books. Almost everytype of instrument, furnishing the atmosphere. Antique, but not snobby, furniture.
The aroma of sea water and coffee.
When you walked in you would feel warm, and ready to bust into one of the novels, pick up the acoustic guitar, or maybe just read the room. My photography, and the art of my friends, would accent the bright walls.
Stained glass lights, and hardwood floors.
Family and friends working with me.
I would know my customers, have have several regulars that i looked foward to on that particular date and time.
Oh, oh and big...sweeping ceiling fans.

Another place i look foward to.

Crikey means gee whiz, wow! -steve irwin

one month today :) I had lots of trouble falling asleep last night because i was so anxious, planning and organizing in my house. I woke up, very late, this morning after a really great dream; I was in my grade 8 class room with classmates from grade 8-12 in there. We were all just sitting around and goofing around. Then someone put on music, like rock music, and for some reason everyone was dancing around in their underwear and singing really loud to the music. If only that could happen in real life...

I wish no one was home so i could dance around to M.I.A in my underwear :( Instead I'm googling cheap laptops and trying to find non-leather riding boots, near impossible by the way. And my breakfast is black coffee and blue-berry pie, mmm.
I work all this weekend, and I know I'm going to have to tell my boss sooner or later that I'm leaving, but i'm dreading it so much. I always try really hard at work to be great, and i feel like i'll be giving that all away. But i'm going to the other side of the world, so i have to say something... or do i?

I'm so freaking excited!

Phillip Island

I'm a vindictive little bitch, truth be told! -Clementine( Eternal sunshine)

I didn't understand where I was, or what was happening to me. It was like i teleported back to when I was a bitchy, eye-rolling 15 year old being lectured by a teacher. Uncontrollably eluding hostility and sass.

I'm talking about the end of work last night. I'm not sure if anyone even cares about my work blogs, but I think there are some pretty interesting things that happen as a server in a pub.
We have this older lady that comes in and all of the staff dreads when she comes in because she makes you listen, and expects your full on attention and agreement to whichever topic she's ranting about this evening. Ann always distracts herself with something when she comes in. Natalia makes herself busy with customers. And so on. It's hard when you're a server because you don't have that thick bar distancing yourself from everyone, if needed.
Last night she was ranting about church, and most of the time i agree with her cynical views on society ( apparently she has a degree in crim and soc, but currently works as a 'dancer'). She started talking about the gap between my teeth and how i should smile more, I was tired it was 2 in the morning, and I weakly smiled and told everyone who tells me to smile more ' I'm not going to smile for no reason, I'm not going to be fake a robotic'. She kept insisting and when I tried to walk away to finish my chores she would yell out to me ' hey, hey, do you know what i mean? hunny, listen to me. I know what i'm talking about' ( not in a motherly way, in a cocky manner)
I managed to get away, to finish my closing duties. I was getting pretty irritated with the regular customers that still have a full beer 20min past when we're closed, and it was showing on my face and I didn't care.
Varik, this guy we have in the back kitchen, comes in right before close and drinks with his buddies and shows no respect when we're closing, he just says things like ' yoo, i'm Varik, you can't be rude to me man. Just chillll, it's all good.' Seriously? Are you constantly on valium?
So i got pretty pissed at how selfish he was being, and I told him so.

Finally everyone was out of the bar except for 40-year-old-dancer with 2 degrees. She's not drunk. She says, out of the blue ' You know why I like being a stripper? ' Cause all the girls I work with have attitude... ( she looks at me ) and you know what sweety, you would make a great stripper.' I fake chuckle.
Then she starts, again. ' Can I tell you something, you need to calm down. Just relax, you're too uptight. You've got such an attitude on you' ( and she does some strange hand on hip, cocked leg, arm snap thing to immitate me, i guess???) ' What's your problem? Really?'
I'm thinking , what the hell is she serious, i'm the most genuinly sweet, smiley girl at work towards customers.
' You need to tone it down. You're just all full of attitude, and you're very rude to me.'
Is she serious?
And then she starts attacking me, out of no where and I was so confused at why this was happening.
' You are full of bad attitude, and you can't treat your customers this way! Listen to me sweety, cause I know what i'm talking about. You are a condescending little brat, and your behavior is patronizing and bitter.'
WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM!?!?!? And I just look at her with total confusion and say " I'm just tired, I want to go home its 2:30 in the morning"
' This is your job! Everyone has a job, you have to deal with this sort of stuff and you can't be acting the way you are especially in customer service. Everyone works, what do you have to do tomorrow? What? What's so important?'
............seriiouuslllyy??? My face was all red, and i felt so inferior. Like i was standing in front of a giant
' I don't have to explain myself to you, I just want to go home'
' Oh sweety, you think you're so much better than me don't you. Well let me tell you, I've got 2 degrees and I've beaten cancer. Look at me. Look at me! You need to fix your bevaior'
I reaked of attitude when I said okay, though. It's like i couldn't help it.

I thought it was done. I was shakey, and angry and I knew I couldn't say anything to her because she's a customer. Then she starts attacking Natalia. On the way out the door the dancer grabs my arm and tells me to look at her again and she says ' I know what i'm talking about, i see right through you, I can tell you have a bad attitude and you need to stop.'
I get to the parking lot and Josh is there and I just completely break down and start crying really hard, I didn't even know why. I didn't even fully understand what had just happened.
Then Natalia calls me and tells me that she has done this to everyone at the pub, and if you don't worship her and completely agree with her then she attacks you. Apparently once her and Nat got in a full out yelling fight at the bar. She made me feel so foolish for getting so upset, and if she didn't call I would probably still be upset about it. I'm really glad she did call.
But now i'm really,really dreading seeing her at work. Good thing I'll only be there for another month though.

new year, same goal - Joe King

Christmas Eve at Cass's

HALLMARK! joshrachmat( one t)
The sock monkey I made for Tristan, wrapped in rachel's amazingly soft blankey. Leaning on the oh-so-classy black garbage back ( always in style).
Triple threat! I know this looks confusing...It is. It's me and rach hugging over gifts, while Tristan is riding her back. aawwww
I'm the best god-mother ever. He doesn't look scared at all.......
another hallmark moment, damn i'm good.

Josh and I did a lot of running around this Holiday season to see all of his family and spend 'quality time' with them. I can't recall a moment where I was not full. To me, xmas is all about food, and obviously family which requires drinking.
I woke up boxing day morning to that blue-eggshell sky and a frozen winter-wonderland, something stolen from the inside of a globe. Driving back from London was fascinating, I just kept pointing to new patches of icicle forests and lone trees. Josh and I both stared when we saw this great, dark horse running with the icy backdrop,it seemed so rare right beside the highway, and so natural. When we got home, it seemed dull and grey.

It's the new year. We're watching all the seasons of lost ( again ) before season 4 premier. You can relate everything in life to lost, pretty much.